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Tuesday, 12 July 2016


I’m feeling optimistic. It’s something I constantly battle with; normally when I’m open minded about the future, my hopes and dreams, it only lasts no longer than an hour or two. I spend a lot of time trying hard, working hard to create work that’ll catch someones eye, influencing and upping my career path, yet most of the time I sulk around at home, drinking an over load of coffee and forgetting to eat.  
I look forward to where things could go, are going, but then suddenly I’m caught in an overdrive of poisoned thoughts - what if this happens and I’m too scared to do it? what if I have no one to accompany me? what if I feel sick, anxious and unwell because I lack in the confidence and mental health to do it? what if.  
I am a master in predicting the bleak future, I’m an over-bearing analyst in my own life, something that ruins me, myself and I.  
Yet right now, the rhythm of my thoughts have changed, so what if I am able to travel somewhere, for work or general wanderlust and I feel sick at the start of the journey… because once I’m over that, that first hurdle, motion sickness or whichever, I'll finally immerse myself in the possibilities, the experience, the lessons and mistakes. 
I’ll grow.  
When I look at others, I dream of their confidence, their ease
I forget that not all of them were probably always like that, and like myself started absolutely petrified at what’s to come and how to handle it.  
My optimism today, and anytime it pops up is something that, although sometimes rare, I am incredibly grateful for. It only contributes to my lingering motivation, that likes to tease me when I want and need to work. I'm feeling good about the future, no matter how unsure, uncertain and startling it is, because I know I’ll get over the panicked thoughts and anxiety I have right now. Last year I could never have imagined feeling as good and content as I do to this day.  
It’s all about those baby steps, lessons and growth in mind and soul each time. I’ll get there soon enough, soon I hope. 

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