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Friday, 24 March 2017

THE GUILT OF OPENING UP






Spring is here! Now all I can think is how Summer is right around the corner, longer, lighter days are in process, pub evenings arising in the distance, days down at the lakes, hot walks through London town; I, like so many of us am in dire need of the long Spring/Summer season. The time between the end of New Year till now is always baffling, so many of us have called them trial months, of that I am sure of it's truth. The productivity and pure happiness that sizzles within me with the sun hot against my skin, there's nothing like it, I crave the intensity of it each day, it'll forever inspire a better working me.


the outfit

It's no secret that I favour anything high waisted, wide or flared, like these rust palazzo trousers (Fashion Union). Whether they really do flatter me or not, they're my go-to option for easy, lazy style. When it came to outerwear, this old jacket (Zara) I've had for years, bought impulsively because it was on sale, was the last thing I intended to style with the rest of the look. I am so intimidated of leather jackets and styling them to blend in with my own style, which I'm still figuring out and is forever in process. However it boldly contrasted with the cream boots (Zara) and worked somewhat playfully with the vintage silk scarf.


on my mind

Guilt. It's consuming and destructive. It also comes in many forms; whether you experience it from your own wrong-doings, or out of empathy, it's there. Yet, what of our own guilt we feel from our own worries and fear. I constantly feel the heavy weight of it when I'm encouraged to open up to my dearest's or wholeheartedly need and want to. We all need to vent, a problem shared is a problem halved and all that. I've found in the last few years just how much I needed to simply say it out loud, anything I struggled with, certain things I couldn't hold in anymore. Even though, realistically that perhaps didn't solve whatever it is I spoke up about, but it was an angelic relief to let it roll off of my tongue and to have someone actually invested in just listening. 

When it comes to heavier, perhaps more sensitive, darker issues, I feel horribly guilt ridden, feeling that I had just not had a weight lifted off of my own shoulders but instead I just passed it onto someone else's. After talking about it, I'll sometimes overly exert myself saying I'm ok though! I'm fine! Let's move on, don't worry about it, in fact just forget this conversation, it's really not that bad... I try to take it back. I live to take care of others, I'm not saying I'm a saint, I am bloody far from it, but I do love taking care of my friends and family, I'll always put them first. How you treat others, is always reflected in how they will treat you, whether it's the same and more or taken advantage of, true colours show and the right people will always appreciate it and give back. 

Why do I feel so guilty? I always tell myself, 'you fool, they care, they want to listen', but perhaps from previous mishaps, I learned that some, even our closest chums, are simply curious, they don't even care a few hours later, they even forget, or even use what you've said against you. Going through and realising this, made me intensively private and I went on with a brave face and an inner voice saying it's ok, you can deal with it alone. Eek. No, I'm very independent, I can take care of myself, but not even speaking to one person about the slightest part of one thing, is unhealthy and overwhelming. You need to vent. In some odd way, it helps. People have been shocked at the stuff I've kept close and zipped up, it was such a contrast to how I'd present myself, but exactly, they see the heaviness of the stuff I would have opened up about, so why would I even want to put that all on them?

Do you get a surge of overwhelming guilt when you open up to someone? Do you struggle with knowing who to go to and how to bring it up? Leave a comment down below.


with love, Kat
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4 comments

  1. I can relate to this so, so much. As a result of a mixture of trust issues and guilt, I never open up about anything to anyone. If I do, I often feel like people are surprised, even shocked at the clear words I find about what is going on in my mind. I don't like to hold back once I plucked up the courage to speak out loud, but most of the time, the guilt is so overwhelming that I learned to keep it to myself... physical problems as a result of mental health impact included.

    Lisa x

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    1. it truly can and does have such a negative effect on us, when we keep it all in, it builds and weighs up to the point where it really wears you down! i hope you have been able to open up more, always here to lend an ear lovely.
      x

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  2. I can totally relate to this. I always feel guilty after opening up, but we need to open up and get things off of our chests to move forward. Xxx

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    1. oh completely! i feel like keeping it all in makes it so much harder to address things, because really you're just letting it linger on your mind and you try to block it out, but when you open up sometimes you realise the 'thing' isn't as big, or you finally accept whatever it is! xxx

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