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I'm unapologetic for the fact that when you meet me, I'll dive right into the deep end of shit jokes, breaking news and weird habits. I'm not interested in small talk, the tasteless social etiquette that will push me much further away if you use it with means to progress on a closer level of friendship; introductions will certainly be blunt and filled with shyness, but I cannot then deal with a 10 minute post-introduction conversation of questions and answers one can find on someones "about" section on Facebook. Maybe I'm fussy or too critical, but I know what I want and who I am, I like a good conversation, not something that leaves me feeling run down, with wasted breath.

Forced interaction is sometimes needed to break the wall between two people and I get that, I've done it - it's worked on the odd occasion and I'm grateful for it, but in all honestly, I cannot stand the awkwardness. It leaves me feeling slightly disheartened and anxious. I'll walk away face palming hard and most likely spend the night over-thinking in sole embarrassment of how such a simple exchange of words has knocked my confidence. Maybe it's just me, though I highly doubt it is, but a gratifying conversation leaves a better impression on me than most things done to impress or solidify a friendship; ones ability to actually bother immersing themselves into one and listen with genuine interest is charming.

It's easy online, where we can edit and re-write our feelings and interests so perfectly, that it's then good enough to submit nerve-free; we can also find out just enough about a person before even meeting them, we fall in love with a fantasy and dislike the misunderstood. Yet the freedom and control we have in that has no doubt affected our confidence and faith regarding real interaction, when we do go out and socialise. The anticipation of how someone will react is ample and you have to sit through it hoping for the best, you don't retain the safety of sitting behind a screen, where they can't see your nerves, or feel the sweat of tension you're giving off.
... but at least it's real. It'll mean more, the butterflies will be stronger or the jokes funnier and you'll grow more charisma and wit, all through frank conversation.

Granted there are things you'll disclose in the heat of a moment you'll perhaps regret and sulk over with a bottle of wine for the next few nights, but I truly believe holding in the words you know you want to tell a certain someone, will haunt you. The what ifs will linger, your bedsheets creased from all the tossing and turning, you'll always feel a bother within you. Don't shy away from saying what interests you, provoking a debate of something meaningful, proclaiming feelings and the love you feel for someone. Life's too short to hold it all in and wonder.

"what a marvellous feeling it would be, if we could say exactly how we felt. what a monumental victory. what a terrifying thought."
- akif kichloo

with love, Kat

what i'm wearing

bespoke italian coat (been in the family for years), black max mara trousers, jack wills cross body bag, mango belt & moschino scarf.

You know the feeling... the one that overcomes you whilst wearing tinted sunglasses that give off a warm apricot glow; you feel like you're in the right place, those few moments are slow like a summers afternoon, it's almost as though it's worthy of a theme song playing in the background - you know in the movies, the car scenes? Just like that. They're kind of empowering, kind of silly but we love them nonetheless. I live for those moments, I really do; I feel they're a beautiful and touching sentiment of the simple warmth life can make you feel in even the most ordinary circumstance, which is something we all need from time to time.

I've struggled lately falling into an overdrive of worrying, most of the time over nothing but things in quiet spaces of my mind that I've created. It's an unhealthy habit that's left me with sleepless nights and stressed out dreams; particularly today, I've woken up heavy, like a cloud hovers tediously over my head. I'm tiring myself out, but I'm trying to listen to my body, to therefore make changes; practicing gratitude which I've written about before, less caffeine, I know it sounds ridiculous to cut out something that should be holding me up and steady, but it's too forced, if I'm tired, I'm tired and most likely just need a fuck load of uninterrupted sleep, water and vitamins.

In our recent conversation, my friend I admitted to feeling, that even though everything is going slowly in the right direction and all is well, we feel we're in the wrong place, the setting, our surroundings; it's as though we've been rammed into an overcrowded elevator and we just want to get the hell out and take the stairs. It was no question that it's something that may be suffocating me and contributing to the mess in which I feel, but it's ok because now that I've acknowledged it, perhaps I can get out.

So you see, I've not felt the warm hug of a moment for a while, but I want too, I need to, it's like that little bit of magic I need to provoke a shift that'll tickle my energy and faith. One mistake I'll not make is staying in and waiting for it, I'll spark it by getting out, creating, talking and walking; anything but staying in a room alone with space in my mind to unnecessarily fill.

with love, Kat

what i'm wearing

yellow blazer and trousers from zara & basic black tee

going at your own pace

I struggle with the guilt of not being ahead where others are thriving, for not being on a super fast track to success, for not constantly going out being a perky social butterfly week after week; the rush of it all it exhausts me a little but drains me fully. I have a wonderful thirst for ambition, it's not something I lack, I'm always inspired and driven, yet it's simply too easy to feel distressingly behind in the playground of accomplishment. There isn't a timeline, there's no destined age in which your success will only then matter at, time is vague, it's unique and we have a lack of it. Some people fall in love young, others multiple times and some find it right at the end of their lives, it doesn't matter when you find that person, to be loved is a blessing enough no matter when. You don't have to find your passion right now, especially if it isn't evident what that is to you yet, you don't have to buy a house in the near future, it's more than ok to just rent and spill your savings on travelling - just as it's ok to also do the opposite and save to buy; any way is ok, as long as it's at your own pace and you're just doing you.

I don't want to feel confined by structure that doesn't fit the flow in which I believe my life should be unravelling to, I don't want to be accepted just by climbing up societies dated old steps in which we're supposed to be taking from the second we leave school. Some days I want to take it slow, even when everything moves fast around me, other times I want to set off at high-speed and get messy, have days on end filled with spontaneity and excitement, till I crash into white sheets and black out. I want to do it all, I will do it all, without the comparison or worry of the timescale and ideal of others. It's our life, it's our time.

with love, Kat
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