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what i'm wearing
top from nasty gal & topshop jeans
I don't like to look back on myself in the early teen years, not just because of how I looked, but upon looking at old photos, the dreaded feeling of confusion and how lost I felt like many others, resurfaces as I gaze upon these 'memories'. I feel like I switched into so many different stereotypes and personalities, none of which I connected to, but that constant age old need to fit in, haunted me daily. Even now I scoff at my former self, questioning why I couldn't just 'be myself', or why didn't I wear less makeup, I didn't want to anyway; this is ridiculous, we all know we're hardly going to find ourselves at 16, we're supposed to experiment and fuck up, to wear blue eyeshadow, over pluck our brows (yes I did both, the eyebrows were tragic); it's a time we'll never have had figured out and still won't in our twenties.
I give myself a hard time, feeling like I'm not doing enough, rather than giving myself credit for who I'm growing to be and grown into already. I'm more kind and sympathetic, I'm stronger than what people see, unapologetically goofy and happy with where I'm going and picture my life being. I need to let go of the messy years that make me cringe, because if anything they have contributed to the person I am now, the route taken and all that now matters anyway, is now.
with love, Kat
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what i'm wearing
gap beige t-shirt, striped zara tailored trousers and a gold chain koko couture bag, with black heeled boots.
Here's hoping as I write this I don't fall asleep, or leave too many typo's... it's 19:37, Friday evening and I have only water besides me, rock-blues music playing, as I drown of tiredness into my dressing gown. It's been one of those weeks, let's leave it at that; but thoughts and inspiration wise? It's come all at once, in an overwhelming tidal wave, that I've struggled to separate conversations, to then articulate recent revelations and unravel my thoughts onto here. Yet here I am, with a lack of caffeine and a permanent yawn, attempting to try.
Sat on a park bench, after a busy day, our energy flatlined; my best friend and I were sharing our weekly dramas and noticeably trying to not let one another fall into a pit of worry, over the meaning of life. Dramatic? Always. Maybe it's the pressure subtly but widely forced upon us to decide and dive into success so young, to have answers, to not just life's big quiz, but to answer random relatives at family gatherings and to the new guy you're possibly, could be, should be dating. The fear creeps in at not having the near future, as in the next few months, sorted or at least having them rough round the edges. To avoid disappointment I don't think of how I'd like them to be, if they simply won't or can't be. This leaves me thinking and feeling bored and I'm not, but am. Makes no sense right? Perhaps a messy mind can be easier for another to understand, especially if they're in similar boat, rather than having clear cut answers thrown our way, like here understand and get over it. Truly I think some thing's just not enough, I'm most likely holding back, in fact I know I am, my effort has split, mainly because of not feeling like what I do is enough, that there's no space or place for me in what I'm venturing out to do. I don't have a lot of optimism in myself lately, I dwell on not having shit figured out, but I'm only 21 and this un-required need to have life down and sorted, has got to go. Not all questions need answering, sometimes they're just a gist and all you need to do is just keep moving and not dealing with it the best you feel you should, perhaps doesn't matter and all you simply need to do is just deal.
with love, Kat
what i'm wearing
new look tie up broderie blouse, abrand jeans, new look black sandals and a plain black jack wills cross body bag
I think I'm still in denial at how outrageously beautiful the weather has been since I set foot back in England over a week ago, I've most likely just jinxed the goodness of it saying so. With flowers blooming from corner to corner, light blue skies and long grass swimming to the wind across the distant hills, I've fallen for the broderie trend, like many others. It's a nostalgic style of clothing, it's delicate and sweet, without being too childlike, though it posses the memories of more carefree, worry-less days. When I first saw it becoming a season must-have, I was adamant about not falling for any of the elusive tops and mini dresses, yet I have with no regret.
the good thoughts
My head's a messy place a lot of the time, unbeknownst to many others, I keep it unintentionally very well hidden; I spend a lot of time using coping tactics when unwelcome, taunting thoughts spin around or appear from nowhere, but that's not always the case. There are also so many other times I'm sat feeling all giddy because of happy thoughts, such as the idea of living in a little crappy apartment one day in a foreign city, a road trip through Italy, a movie night with my best friend with an abundance of snacks and wine, they don't sound like much, but certain those thoughts I spend a little extra time thinking of, are so needed and make me feel good. The thought of upping my content, letting go and pushing myself more in a positive light, thinking it gently but with motivation and drive, slowly transcends into my reality. Thinking of all the pennies I've saved and saving for mini trips away, oh fresh coffee down a cobbled Spanish street, late night tapas and drunken dancing; the thing is, which makes these thoughts all the better, I'm not just sitting there thinking and then doing nothing, I still actively pursue them in any way I can. Is this balance I've found!? One can only hope it'll stick.
with love, Kat
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