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When you go through something traumatic, we focus on the immediate effects. How it's going to feel, how it'll affect our lives and how we will cope with the changes. However I didn't anticipate how hard it would be after the events of trauma. Since undergoing treatment, in which my whole body changed, I lost my hair too and have never felt so weak in my life, I'm now very slowly but surely, gathering my strength and getting back to some sort of normality, however I'm struggling. I feel a deep loss of identity, suddenly I don't know how to dress in a way it feels like me, my outlook on a lot of things has also changed. It's like my mind is racing ahead but my body can't keep up, it's not ready.
When you lose time in your life, there's this rush to get back to things. You want to make sure you make the most of each second, not wanting to waste anymore time. Yet, right now, I feel completely disconnected from how I want to be moving forward and what my body is actually capable of. Most days I'm not even sure how to dress myself, I've lost any idea of style that I had - which for someone who works in fashion and expresses herself through it, is sort of a big deal. A huge part of it is the hair loss, my long locks were such a big part of my identity and my style worked in sync with it. I've spent recent weeks clearing out my wardrobe and searching for some fresh inspiration. It's led me to question myself, what actually feels like me? What do I like, regardless of what I see others wearing on their beautifully curated Instagram feeds? Sometimes I think my style over the last couple of years has gotten lost between a chaotic mix of what I like and what I aspire to be like. That plus a lack of confidence in myself. It's like I'd been more focused on how my style came across as an aesthetic, rather than dressing for me and showcasing that.
How I'm finding my identity again...
I'm going back to the drawing board, planning out a capsule wardrobe where most importantly I feel comfortable. I want to be able to mix & match and re-wear each piece and feel wonderfully myself each time, while focusing on good quality and the right cut and fit to compliment my petite height (trust me I have gotten proportions very wrong at times). A big re-set along with a fresh mindset is what I feel will help kick start finding myself again, all without putting any pressure on myself and trying to have a bit of fun enjoying the process.
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