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what i'm wearing

off shoulder top from na-kd fashion, h&m mom jeans and louis vuitton vintage bag. 

Oh what I'd give to not crumble with awkward and haziness when faced with a situation in dire need of some self confidence. It's easier, in ways, when you're on your own - bumping into someone on the streets, you've got no other to compare yourself to, you get on and converse, you don't notice your awkward self as much, you think oh that went alright, why do I always get so nervous. Yet when I'm around others, especially those who ooze charisma and confidence, I always hide behind, slightly in the shadow, all through my own fault of letting them take the lead because I know I fall far behind with my lack of confidence anyway. I'm overpowered is how I feel, but not in a malicious way.

I was known to be a very shy kid, despite being a lively toddler - growing up I was flat out quiet. I do believe the struggles with my hearing, made me live life in my own little bubble, because quite literally that is how you feel, all in your own head, you hear your thoughts and self more than those around you. I was never taught any coping mechanisms for such disability, I did genuinely just embrace the way I was and just got on with it. It wasn't until secondary school at the age of 11, when I met one of my best friends who would miraculously help me out of my comfort zone. She was a bit of a shock to my system, I was quiet, I didn't talk much, on the other hand she was loud, lively; she was a firecracker. I think in the best way, through out the next few years, we complimented each other. She lead me out of my shell and I willingly followed, I met more people due to the little but very valuable gain in confidence, we had the best few years. If it were any different, I'm not sure I'd even be where I am today, I wouldn't change anything for the world.

I feel I grew to a more seemingly normal level of confidence, yet today a decade later, I still struggle but in new ways. Before I wouldn't know how to not only initiate a conversation but keep it going. Now? No problem, easy. Typically, the more modern day struggle, most youngsters battle with, is comparison, but it's not always a comparison in appearance or lifestyle I stress and break over, it's personality, the natural charisma, confidence, their lack of my personal friend anxiety. It's not jealousy that this boils over, it's my own shame in my lack of confidence. I feel a sense of disappointment that I haven't got enough of it, angry that I haven't done enough in progressing towards such personality. I don't think I've ever been comfortable with just how shy I can be, it's not as bad as it once was when I was a kid, sure, but it lingers, even when I am loud and lively, it is there and will creep in when I'm next ordering coffee at a busy cafe, standing in line at the post office, or sat in the doctors room. As a little girl, I embraced it, now I'm ashamed of it. I'll tell myself get a grip, then feel mentally down and battle the underlying awkward pit in my stomach for the next 24hrs.

I suppose I admire another's likability, their ease and candidness with people around them, at the pub, in the workplace and so on, I constantly overthink of someones opinion of me, always kicking myself afterwards that I could have said this or that, I could have spoken louder, with, yes, confidence. If there's one thing I've picked up on, is that I'm unapologetic for my personality and I, when I'm not around too closely to where I grew up. I'll too often then remember how I used to be and feel it in my gut, I'll assume it's me still, I'll forget how much I've grown. It's like certain corners haunt me, dare I say certain people too. This was proven when I went to an event at the start of this year, in central London, away from where I've always been, the confidence I there expressed, humbly, was a delight surprise, but I also didn't notice it too much, until I was told by someone else that I had been. All I felt was relaxed and professional and enjoyed it. I don't know if I'll soon embrace my quieter side, appreciate the confidence I have or learn how to deal with that slight shame I feel in the lack of it, but it's something I've had heavy on my chest for some time and not something I feel I've heard another saying other than wishing for confidence, I struggle with the shame in not having it.
Do you?

with love, Kat

what i'm wearing

short camel coat from zara, vintage jaeger black blazer, max mara trousers, primark belt and vintage bag from charity shop.

I've been quiet, on here at least, putting my little slice of the internet behind closed doors for a few months. It wasn't a dramatic, overly heartfelt decision, I simply lacked direction once again and as someone who strives to creating quality content, I didn't want to rush and create anything less. My head was clouded, inspiration lacking, doubt creeping in at every opportunity and with the end of year always being a stressful time no matter what, I decided eh, let's take a little break and take it easy. That never meant not bothering, or giving up - I continued to re-charge and really re-focus my attention on what I want to get up each day and be eager to produce. What would I put out there, if I hadn't spent all the time scrolling, comparing and hoping, what other content have I adored and felt frustrated at because I held back doing something similar.

Sigh, it's quite exhausting, a hard pill to swallow being held back by none other than yourself, feeling like you're so far behind when your foot is firmly on the brake. Of course we move swiftly at our own pace, hurdling through the boroughs of life, but even then we're always capable of more than we allow. These struggles for me have been back and forth; they come and go like a sunny day fiercely interrupted by disgruntled thick clouds, therein the frustration erupts slowly. You see, I know these brief unwelcome moments will come and continue you throughout life, I won't settle for it, I'll adapt, I'll accept the call for change, to grow and move on. I'll find a way to deal with it.

The biggest and perhaps only thing that has ever truly helped me, with change and motivation in particular, is my mindset. The power it holds is extensive, behold the worry of it being wired in the wrong way, negative thoughts, unhealthy attitudes and so on. In order to flourish, you need to be hydrated and somewhat nourished inside to move forward in a reflection of such an attitude.

So here I am, back in my little slice of pie, ready to stop holding back, taking a little more control and having little more faith. I don't think you're ever in complete know of how to tackle things, what we fully want and what's ahead, but for a little while at least we do, as I somewhat do now. I've come to know myself a little better, grown through all the personal crap weighing on my shoulders, analysed gently the routes and mantras that weren't for me. I'm better for it. I've cleared the leaves from my Winter path, making space for the much needed Spring. I'm back.

with love, Kat

tried & tested

(left) shimmering dry oil huile prodigieuse 50ml £21 & (right) huile prodigieuse riche 100ml £32

eau de parfum le matin des possibles  - orange blossom fragrance £49

(left) eau de parfum le soir des possibles - jasmine fragrance £49

facial sunscreen nuxe sun spf 30 £17.50

after sun lotion nuxe sun £16

With Summer long gone and temperatures now reaching freezing, I'd normally be struggling with my skin due to the change in weather, amazingly I'm not, yet even when I am, it's not likely I'm going to do much about it. I've always admired those with a beautiful range of mid - to high end beauty products, maybe it's the branding, the pleasing aesthetic making you feel more regal and up to date in adulthood. I won't lie, it's a comforting thing to have some sort of routine for the morning and evening, if there's one part of my life that's put together, it can be that. Nuxe, oh Nuxe, there's something so luxurious but understated, each time I've used their products so kindly gifted to me, I dreaded the day I'd run out; no doubt then anticipating purchasing them and more myself afterwards.

It's a brand I've known from afar, forever wanted to try and am always drawn to in store, duty free or abroad, wherever I am. It's founded on instinct and nature, with a sensual approach connecting women to their inner beauty. When a brand goes into such depth and meaning like Nuxe has, it instantly connects you more to the products and process.

Each product is gentle, kind and nourishing on the skin, the fragrances are the perfect amount, never will you feel too heavily coated. It's no lie I shout it from the rooftops to people, encouraging them to take a look at all the products Nuxe has to offer, they've recently launched their Christmas shop for such affordable prices, I swear I might just go and buy a gift from me to me.

Shop the Nuxe christmas range here

with love, Kat

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