Oh thoughts & feelings, the two things that occupy our minds for every waking hour, yet sometimes, you just feel like a huge cup of nothingness. You aren't affected by your thoughts, you lack any enthusiasm towards them, you don't care about your worries, but also about the good, happy, exciting things; you don't feel anything, you just feel numb. It's like you're staring into a blank space and it's so peculiar that you actually start trying to find or see something, you force yourself to feel and think, no matter how false it feels to do so. 

For a year when I was at my worst with anxiety and attempting recovery, I tried so hard every second of the day trying to justify my thought process, to understand and train my mind to deal with unwanted and unnecessary voices, fears and assumptions, I was taking back control. But one thing I never anticipated, was feeling the complete opposite of simply feeling. 

When you're so self aware of your mood and emotions, it's perplexing when suddenly there's nothing within you, just emptiness. For someone who for so long would rather have felt nothing, than listen to the demons inside of me, the hollowness inside scared me. I couldn't convince myself I was okay feeling nothing, my anxious mind came right back into play, assuming that there was once again a problem. It took a few times of 'ironically feeling' this way to realise it's about balance and understanding. I had to recognise that not always thinking and feeling something, didn't mean I wasn't happy or something was wrong, I was just so used to having an overwhelming bucketload of thoughts, of which I was constantly aware of day and night. 

Maybe it's a blessing to sometimes be randomly granted a break from ones own thoughts, it's an odd sensation, you don't plan it at all, you just suddenly feel emptied. This is the only way I can look at it, it's the way I want to; I know I'm ok, everything's good, I'm in control and happy. The numbness? I'll use it as down-time, a time to read or relax, without a million worries or questions. There isn't need or is a reason for everything, there doesn't have to be.

it is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply.


with love, Kat