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  • Katerina Jane

    Katerina Jane

    I can't seemingly sum up my profession in a mere word or two. I write, photograph, style, paint and explore, I just yearn to create. That is what I do, I create, whether it's through words, image or film, this site is a documentation of just that. You'll find editorial pieces, short stories, vintage finds and secret getaways all here, not just of fashion but of literature, art and history too. Don't be a stranger & I hope you enjoy my content. With love, Kat

    I TOOK MYSELF OUT ON A DATE


    Kind of. Not really. Would you call this a date? So I stumbled through the heat, into town, to run an errand, a quick one that could have had me home within the hour, but instead I wondered into a cafe, with a craving for an oat latte, with vanilla I must add. Initially on my way out, I'd asked a friend if they'd meet me, trying to somewhat make the most of having to pop out the house, but for once I didn't sulk at the idea of getting coffee alone. Ok. It's not ground breaking, however I've non-stop heard a tactic of self love, is taking yourself out alone, treating yourself, alone, I've tried before and tried again, nope - I didn't like it. I didn't feel any better, perhaps only a little lonelier. 

    I'm not sure what changed this time, the glorious sunshine raining down on me, the overwhelming sad news that's come my way forcing a humble appreciation for the small things, I don't know. All I know is I found myself getting a coffee to go, without breaking a sweat of anxiety, then heading up the hill for a walk in the park. I found a spot at the top, I sat, I let go. I relaxed and enjoyed the heat and the quietness. My mind didn't go into an overdrive of harsh thoughts or worries, it probably thanked me for once, for doing something simple at the time it needed it. It felt unforced, natural and gave me butterflies in a way I felt released rather than sick with nerves, I ended up walking a longer way home, so I had more time to stretch my legs and move my body, which I've always found helps me relax more in the evenings. 

    People always encourage you to spend time on your own, I've been one to advise that now and then, but it's not always easy; I've spent too much time on my own, for many months that resulted in isolation that was so hard to pull myself out of, I lost my appreciation for spending time with others, I didn't know how to enjoy leaving the house, no surroundings perked me up - I closed myself off, I didn't allow anything to penetrate, I thought I was simply 'safe' at home, alone. This was all due to my darkest months battling the worst of my anxiety, I felt so lonely, alone, but so lonely, with others. I lost the balance, if there is such a thing. Fast forward a few years later, I enjoy my alone time, but I don't always want or need it and that's ok. I'll then have days filled with faces, ringing with laughter, a body tired but time well spent in the day, then there could be a few hours in the day where I need to sit in a quiet corner of the house in my own bubble, just to breathe with myself a little. There are times I've found myself needing that alone time, perhaps wanting a walk in the park alone, but my mind and body wouldn't align and allow it to happen, even if I'd gone on one, how I'd been feeling isn't fixed perhaps it's worsened, but again, that's ok. 

    So I took myself for a coffee and a walk in the park. It was lovely. It's won't always be this perfect outing that makes me feel strong and sure of myself, it'll leave me feeling awkward, a little bored and a little more lonely, but that's ok, on some days it's sunny and you miss the cosiness of the rain, on some days it's rainy and you miss the warmth on your skin. 



    Kind of. Not really. Would you call this a date? So I stumbled through the heat, into town, to run an errand, a quick one that could have had me home within the hour, but instead I wondered into a cafe, with a craving for an oat latte, with vanilla I must add. Initially on my way out, I'd asked a friend if they'd meet me, trying to somewhat make the most of having to pop out the house, but for once I didn't sulk at the idea of getting coffee alone. Ok. It's not ground breaking, however I've non-stop heard a tactic of self love, is taking yourself out alone, treating yourself, alone, I've tried before and tried again, nope - I didn't like it. I didn't feel any better, perhaps only a little lonelier. 

    I'm not sure what changed this time, the glorious sunshine raining down on me, the overwhelming sad news that's come my way forcing a humble appreciation for the small things, I don't know. All I know is I found myself getting a coffee to go, without breaking a sweat of anxiety, then heading up the hill for a walk in the park. I found a spot at the top, I sat, I let go. I relaxed and enjoyed the heat and the quietness. My mind didn't go into an overdrive of harsh thoughts or worries, it probably thanked me for once, for doing something simple at the time it needed it. It felt unforced, natural and gave me butterflies in a way I felt released rather than sick with nerves, I ended up walking a longer way home, so I had more time to stretch my legs and move my body, which I've always found helps me relax more in the evenings. 

    People always encourage you to spend time on your own, I've been one to advise that now and then, but it's not always easy; I've spent too much time on my own, for many months that resulted in isolation that was so hard to pull myself out of, I lost my appreciation for spending time with others, I didn't know how to enjoy leaving the house, no surroundings perked me up - I closed myself off, I didn't allow anything to penetrate, I thought I was simply 'safe' at home, alone. This was all due to my darkest months battling the worst of my anxiety, I felt so lonely, alone, but so lonely, with others. I lost the balance, if there is such a thing. Fast forward a few years later, I enjoy my alone time, but I don't always want or need it and that's ok. I'll then have days filled with faces, ringing with laughter, a body tired but time well spent in the day, then there could be a few hours in the day where I need to sit in a quiet corner of the house in my own bubble, just to breathe with myself a little. There are times I've found myself needing that alone time, perhaps wanting a walk in the park alone, but my mind and body wouldn't align and allow it to happen, even if I'd gone on one, how I'd been feeling isn't fixed perhaps it's worsened, but again, that's ok. 

    So I took myself for a coffee and a walk in the park. It was lovely. It's won't always be this perfect outing that makes me feel strong and sure of myself, it'll leave me feeling awkward, a little bored and a little more lonely, but that's ok, on some days it's sunny and you miss the cosiness of the rain, on some days it's rainy and you miss the warmth on your skin. 


    . Monday, 26 August 2019 .

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