what i'm wearing

red bodysuit from forever 21

"We'll cross that bridge when we get to it", said to me from me, seconds before I anticipate monumental shit that hasn't or may not even happen. The extent in which I devise extravagant scenarios in my head, blurs the lines between reality and a future that isn't here yet; it's a wonderfully ridiculous talent which requires little skill and far too much time. We all do it, needed or not, but when does it go too far? Reasoning based on nothing, justifications with no logic; I'll admit to feeling over-confident with my one too many pointless decisions, based solely on having given into worry and fear. Over time I've convinced myself they were right because because if I was in control, that in itself is somewhat a triumph. Yet caving into my constant excuses has left me spinning in circles, not allowing new moments to form or emotions to erupt, I feed off of an unknown cycle, ironic to present angst that constantly devours me.

I've scrapped planning things to perfection, it only ever made the anticipation intensify, no matter what, anything seconds to hours or months from now will hold a feeling of uncertainty, because that's what the future is - uncertain - the dreaded unknown. Some days the only future commitment I stick to is my black Americano at the local cafe, whatever the day I've had, no matter the weather, I'll be more likely to show up for my caffeine date, rather than one with a man. I'm tired of the over-thought, the lack of excitement due to my own exhaust of worrying, I made a pact to remind myself each day, to put shit out of my mind and not to deal with what isn't already here and happening. There's no telling to how we're going to feel in the moment, our instant gut reaction, so it's astounding to how much time we spend scrutinising over how it's going to play out; the worst part? it will then affect how you then react when the time does come, you've interrupted a natural flow of circumstance, which ironically then creates a stiff situation you'd anticipated that you wanted to avoid. Things have a way of working out no matter how a situation unfolds, pre-meditated or not, I'm simply tired of feeling subtle guilt and disappointment inflicted upon myself, through my own fault of giving into fear too damn early. What if great things were coming until I created a dishonest weather forecast?

"just let it be."

with love, Kat