I'm unapologetic for the fact that when you meet me, I'll dive right into the deep end of shit jokes, breaking news and weird habits. I'm not interested in small talk, the tasteless social etiquette that will push me much further away if you use it with means to progress on a closer level of friendship; introductions will certainly be blunt and filled with shyness, but I cannot then deal with a 10 minute post-introduction conversation of questions and answers one can find on someones "about" section on Facebook. Maybe I'm fussy or too critical, but I know what I want and who I am, I like a good conversation, not something that leaves me feeling run down, with wasted breath.

Forced interaction is sometimes needed to break the wall between two people and I get that, I've done it - it's worked on the odd occasion and I'm grateful for it, but in all honestly, I cannot stand the awkwardness. It leaves me feeling slightly disheartened and anxious. I'll walk away face palming hard and most likely spend the night over-thinking in sole embarrassment of how such a simple exchange of words has knocked my confidence. Maybe it's just me, though I highly doubt it is, but a gratifying conversation leaves a better impression on me than most things done to impress or solidify a friendship; ones ability to actually bother immersing themselves into one and listen with genuine interest is charming.

It's easy online, where we can edit and re-write our feelings and interests so perfectly, that it's then good enough to submit nerve-free; we can also find out just enough about a person before even meeting them, we fall in love with a fantasy and dislike the misunderstood. Yet the freedom and control we have in that has no doubt affected our confidence and faith regarding real interaction, when we do go out and socialise. The anticipation of how someone will react is ample and you have to sit through it hoping for the best, you don't retain the safety of sitting behind a screen, where they can't see your nerves, or feel the sweat of tension you're giving off.
... but at least it's real. It'll mean more, the butterflies will be stronger or the jokes funnier and you'll grow more charisma and wit, all through frank conversation.

Granted there are things you'll disclose in the heat of a moment you'll perhaps regret and sulk over with a bottle of wine for the next few nights, but I truly believe holding in the words you know you want to tell a certain someone, will haunt you. The what ifs will linger, your bedsheets creased from all the tossing and turning, you'll always feel a bother within you. Don't shy away from saying what interests you, provoking a debate of something meaningful, proclaiming feelings and the love you feel for someone. Life's too short to hold it all in and wonder.

"what a marvellous feeling it would be, if we could say exactly how we felt. what a monumental victory. what a terrifying thought."
- akif kichloo

with love, Kat